Wednesday, I returned home and was thrilled with my trip to Victoria. Thursday, Bill’s headstone was put in place and I was back in the pit of despair.
Bill died on October 5th. It was difficult, but it wasn’t final because we hadn’t had his funeral yet.
His funeral was on October 10th. It was difficult, but it wasn’t final because the Martensville cemetery wasn’t completed so he couldn’t be interred.
His ashes were interred November 4th. It was difficult, but it wasn’t final because it soon snowed so the headstone couldn’t be put in place until the spring.
On Thursday, his headstone was put in place. It was difficult and final.
If I’ve learned anything over these last six months since Bill died, it’s that grief is not logical. It’s not that he was any less dead before all the steps were completed, but believe me, it made a difference. Sometimes reality sucks. And sometimes finality sucks.
I had a good long cry. And continue to be weepy. And that’s okay. I loved him deeply. I miss him daily. Rest in peace, my love.
I’m so glad you posted this. I completely get it. It took us over year just to pick Tripp’s ashes up from the funeral home. And even at that I can’t bring myself to make a decision on where they should be buried. I truly feel I’m leaving it open so there isn’t that finality. Incidentally, Hugh and I happened to drive by the new cemetery earlier this week and I felt a little urge to look into a plot for the three of us. Hugs to you.
I think of you often. Wish I had something profound to say, but sometimes there is just nothing to say. I know Bill would be very proud of how you’ve been doing. You are amazing. Keep on keepin on.
My step-father died on August 15th. He and my mom had been together for 3o years. When we had him interred, mom hadn’t decided on the headstone. Then, winter arrived. She just finalized the stone a couple of weeks ago and she is sad. She said the same thing – it was final. When we had him interred we , finally – 6 years later, also interred my brother’s ashes. For me, I felt relief, sadness, and I suppose – finality. Thank you for sharing your post, Dianne. We are thinking of you and sending our love.
I’m so sorry, Dianne. Your love for Bill really shines through when you talk about him and your life together.
What you said in this post reminds me of Joan Didion’s book My Year of Magical Thinking, her memoir of the year following her husband’s sudden death. Grief isn’t logical, just as you said. It comes from a place that is beyond logical, linear thinking. And as a creative person, your grief may meander more than average:)
I hope to see you when I get home. Take care.