Finality

Wednesday, I returned home and was thrilled with my trip to Victoria. Thursday, Bill’s headstone was put in place and I was back in the pit of despair.

Bill died on October 5th. It was difficult, but it wasn’t final because we hadn’t had his funeral yet.

His funeral was on October 10th. It was difficult, but it wasn’t final because the Martensville cemetery wasn’t completed so he couldn’t be interred.

His ashes were interred November 4th. It was difficult, but it wasn’t final because it soon snowed so the headstone couldn’t be put in place until the spring.

On Thursday, his headstone was put in place. It was difficult and final.

If I’ve learned anything over these last six months since Bill died, it’s that grief is not logical. It’s not that he was any less dead before all the steps were completed, but believe me, it made a difference. Sometimes reality sucks. And sometimes finality sucks.

I had a good long cry. And continue to be weepy. And that’s okay. I loved him deeply. I miss him daily. Rest in peace, my love.

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For Mary

Yesterday morning you left us.

Passed away.

Died.

And I wanted the world to stop.

Just for a moment.

But it was too much to ask.

I escaped the crowded church where I heard the news.

People would not stop talking and visiting and living.

I ran outside to the park, where the grass was turning brown and leaves were falling

But there too, life carried on.

I wanted to scream at the birds in the trees to quit singing.

I wanted to holler at the cars driving by to stop.

“Haven’t you heard? Mary’s gone!”

Although my brain understood,

My heart did not, could not.

Rationality and grief –

the two sides of death’s coin.

“Her suffering is over.”

“People die every minute.”

“Not everyone knew Mary.”

My head ached with rationality.

“Her eyes twinkled when she smiled.”

“She was so kind.”

“It’s so unfair.”

My heart ached with grief.

Throughout the day the coin flipped, over and over –

“Buck up.”

“I miss her.”

“Carry on.”

“Her poor family.”

“Tend to your obligations.”

“Just leave me alone.”

This morning the sun rises on a new day

And the coin lands on its edge –

Life goes on, but without Mary.